“Why do you always have to bring that up?! I have apologized for that so many times. I don’t understand what you want from me.”
“No, you don’t understand. It still bothers me.”
“You need to let it go. Why are you hanging on to it? There is something so wrong with you.”
This is usually where the offended partner ends up crying or emotionally shutting down. I can literally see the shutters fall over their eyes; they have left the conversation and everything comes to a standstill.
I think one of the most basic human needs is the need to be known as we are. This need to be understood and validated is what causes a partner to continually bring up an offence. I see this happen often in my office. The injured party repeatedly brings it up in an effort to resolve something that does not feel closed to them. It is not an effort to punish, but to bridge the continued disconnection they feel with their partner because of an unresolved issue.
Human beings come to conclusions about another’s sincerity and authenticity in very complex ways. They take into account a number of sources of information: content of the message, how the content is delivered (tone, volume, speed, and language), emotion, and body language. People can feel a disingenuous apology and will reject it because of its insincerity. The result is that the offense keeps being brought up because the offended person feels neither understood nor empathized with.
It’s frustrating when someone does not acknowledge your apology and tells you they do not believe that it is genuine. The truth of the matter is…
…they are probably right.
Repairing a relationship after a rift is a skill that most couples struggle with and, if not mastered, can cause the relationship to flounder. Repair helps you to draw closer to one another instead of drifting apart; rebuild connection as opposed to causing greater disconnection. Ultimately, it cannot happen if empathy and understanding are not present.
The foundation of an effective apology rests on two key words: “understand” and “empathy”.
To understand means to grasp the significance, implications, or importance of something. And to have empathy for someone is to directly identify with and understand the vicarious experience of another person’s situation, feelings, and motives. There’s a subtle difference between the two – understanding is about acknowledging the importance of and its impact on someone else. In other words, it might not be important to you, but to them it is more serious. Empathizing is literally feeling what they feel; seeing things the way they see it.
Steps to identifying with someone else’s experiences:
1. Initiate the conversation.
Someone has to go first and your apology can’t be a condition of your partner doing something first. Take the first step because this is the kind of person you want to be. There’s nothing more unconvincing than someone who apologizes while in the middle of a fight or as a response to, “You never apologized.” You know how that goes. “I asked for an apology so, I doubt that it’s sincere.”
2. Put your feelings aside.
In other words, momentarily put aside your personal feelings, needs, wants, and complaints. Note that I said momentarily. You are not negating, diminishing or ignoring yourself in any way. You are simply putting them aside for the time being.
True empathy demands you put your own feelings aside to understand and validate someone else’s. When you have behaved badly and made poor word choices, it is particularly difficult because it requires that you push aside the need to defend yourself. It also requires you to be vulnerable and consider the impact you have had on someone else.
An apology is negated when it is followed by:
- Countering with your own accusations – “Yesterday, you did this….”
- Keeping score – “Well you did this to me so,….”
- Judging – “I would never have come to that conclusion” or “I don’t know anyone who thinks like that….”
- Defending – “I am not really like that, but….” or “I didn’t do that, but since you’re feeling bad about it….”
- Minimizing – “Aw, c’mon. It wasn’t that bad.”
- Not taking responsibility – “Well, if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have…. If you just changed….” or “You brought this on yourself.”
- Justifying – “Well, I was really upset at work. You just have to accept that I was in a bad mood and wait for me to get out of it.”
- Diminishing – “You’re overreacting”, “You’re being silly”, “That’s the stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard”, or “Get over it.”
- Define your partner’s experience – “Oh, you don’t really feel like that. You feel….”
- Compare – “Bob’s wife would never do that to him.”
3. Get behind your partner’s eyeballs.
See the events from their perspective.
Here are some questions to help you move to greater understanding and empathy towards your partner:
- How would you feel if a stranger on the street had done the same to you? Name a few feelings that would be probable for you.
- How would you respond? What would you do?
- Would you do the same to one of your parents? To your child? To your best friend? To your boss?
- What would be the consequences if you had done the same to a stranger on the street? To your boss? To your child? To your best friend? To your parent(s)?
- If someone treats you poorly, how would you relate differently to this person? Would it draw you closer or farther away? Would you avoid them? Would you walk on eggshells when you were around them? If you feel fear, how would you protect yourself? Would you question your value to them?
- What could a stranger conclude about you as a person if they had witnessed what you did and/or said?
You can’t fake understanding and empathy with someone who sees you regularly, if not on a daily basis.
Once you get past your own defenses and into your partner’s experience, here’s the formula for an apology:
“I’m sorry that I….” (Describe briefly what you did or didn’t do.)
“It must have felt….” (Describe your guess about their feelings about what you did.)
“If I was in your place and someone had done that to me, I would feel….” (Insert your “behind the eyeballs” insight.)
“It makes sense to me that you feel this way….” (Again, get into their experience and understand in what ways it makes sense for them to respond the way they did. No judging.)
“Please forgive me.” (Yes, you have to be open to the possibility that your partner may not offer forgiveness and you will need to accept that.)
“What can I do to make this better for you? I was thinking maybe we could….”
This is what it might sound like:
“Honey, I’m sorry that I haven’t spent much time with you lately. I can only imagine how I would feel if I were you – neglected, frustrated, overlooked and maybe even like you are not the most important thing in my life. It makes sense to me that you have been feeling frustrated and disappointed. I want you to know nothing in my life is as important as you. I’ve been selfish and have allowed myself to be distracted from our relationship by other things. Starting tomorrow, I promise that I’ll commit to working fewer hours, and I’ll make every effort to come home in time to have dinner with you every night. I’d also like to make it up to you, so please, let’s go out sometime next weekend and do something nice, just the two of us. You mean the world to me, and the last thing I ever want to do is make you feel lonely. Please, I hope you can forgive me for the way I’ve been acting lately.”
Okay. That was a bit of a speech. But, you get the picture.
So, how do you know you have understood your partner’s experience? They will let you know. It doesn’t matter if you feel you understand. What matters is whether your partner feels you have understood.
Remember, what I have outlined is only the bare bones of an apology. However, a simple formula will not result in the connection you want unless you add understanding and empathy. Only then can sincerity come through naturally.
The more you apologize, the better you get at it….
…and, funny enough, the less you need to do it.